Sorting Through Emotions- One Day At A Time

Jesus, this is so hard. I'm so confused on how to move through this life sometimes. I have no clue what I am doing, so it seems. My relationship with You has been up and down... it's like a roller coaster lately. I hate that feeling. I'm not welcoming it. I'm shooing it out. I just recently had a miscarriage, as You know, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten any of it. Actually, I'm starting to remember bits and pieces of the day the first of it all started, and those bits and pieces keep haunting me. A time that particularly stands out to me is riding down that stretch of Alcoa highway to the hospital and just wailing in pain and crying my eyes out, asking "Why?" and yelling "Jesus, please help me, please, please." It's rough. It's rough repeating this, but I have no idea how else I am going to heal if I don't. 

I realize how much I have already hidden deep with in the darkest portions of my being, and I know how destructive that is...only to me. It hurts You to see me this way. I know. I feel it, but somehow there are times when I just don't feel You near. I'm still asking, "Why?" I don't understand, and all I keep hearing are sounds reverberating over and over saying, "We may never understand, but God has a plan." That's becoming so distant to me and just makes my heart seem to callus. I don't want to feel like that. I want to know You were there with me in that room, when I was calling out to You to save me, to save our child. I wanna know that You did everything You could to fix it, to make it better. I want to know what happened, was it my fault, was there something I could've done differently, better? I just really want to know "why?" 

One thing that is helping me today, just knowing I don't have to do this alone, that others have gone before me, that You did indeed save me the trauma of a more difficult miscarriage (though it was extremely painful, emotionally and physically.) Another thing, a friend told me today that trying to figure it all out would eat me alive. She was right. It has already begun to. Whoa. How do I reverse all of this? Is there a way?

I'm just downcast, and hurt. I feel alone, no matter if You are there, no matter if others have gone before. I'm being honest. Don't You want me to be honest? I hurt. I'm tired. I hate the struggle. I want some change, some favor. 

I do understand that I will love this child forever. She/he is mine and always will be. I'm also thankful that she/he never had to endure the suffering of this world, but that she/he went straight into Your arms. I love You for that. However, I'm still angry with You, still hurt. 

Dad, I'm asking that You please keep after me. Stay on my heels. Walk before me, beside me, behind me. I don't want to run away from You, to fall away from You. I know You are there, even if I don't feel You, even if I don't want to talk right now. Just keep pursuing me. It's inevitable that I will fall into Your arms again. Thank You for waiting on me.

Luke and I planted some flowers in honor of our baby. They really have helped with healing. Thank You for making them grow.

Love,

Jen