Grace Day by Day

I never imagined life would come to this. What a roller coaster 2015 has been! One crazy event after another. 

We have an almost 13 month old! How did this happen? If I could stop time dead in it's tracks and keep Judah little forever, I would. It is the absolute truth that "they grow up way too fast," and even more so that there's nothing you can do about it. 

As a mommy I enjoy watching Judah explore, self-talk, be creative. He's such a fun kid! He loves playing outside, discovering "new" plants and flowers, watching the birds fly by, hearing dogs bark (He loves dogs. To Judah, all dogs are "pup pup.") watching cars go by. He's so adventurous. It warms my heart to see him "jump right in." He doesn't want to miss out, quite like his Mom. 

In this past year, he has taught me so much about the love of Jesus. I look at him and long for only good for his life. I want "immeasurably more" for him. When he's tired and can't calm down, I don't yell but gently try to settle him. My love for Judah is endless and grows deeper and deeper every single moment. 

I imagine Jesus wanting "good" for me. I see Him seated at the right hand of the Father saying, "It is finished, child. Rest in me. Take My yoke upon you, for I am meek and lowly. Surrender to my goodness. Take full advantage of my gift of grace, of peace. Take heart, for I have overcome the world, and I live in you. Come abide in me. Just be with me. I am forever yours. Let everything else fall away."

Daily I surrender to His mercy. Daily I ask for enough grace to make it through each moment. Yes, this year has been a roller coaster for our family (As most of you know, my Father-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in January.) and I have to continually remind myself that Jesus knows. He knows the tears I've shed. He knows the days and nights Luke and I have just held each other, sobbing, feeling hopeless and helpless. He knows how we're feeling and feels right along with us, longing for the day when we will be with Him in glory, forever. "No more sorrow, no more shame, no more sickness, no more pain."

What a glorious transformation! What a beautiful reunion! As we claim our forever home with Jesus, face to face! My heart is overwhelmed with JOY when I grasp this unfathomable Truth! How deep is the Father's love for us!

Still, for now in this earthly state, in this fallen world we seek to know Himmore, to understand His heart, for enough grace to make it through each moment, until the day of our glorious union. 

Jesus, grant us enough grace for each moment. Let us feel you more closely than ever, especially now. Show us how to rest in You, how to just "be" with You. Thank You for Your constant pursuit of my heart. Thank You that You never let go. Thank You for another day to be a Mommy, Wife, Daughter, and Friend. 

Forever Yours,

Jen

I Have a Four-month Old Baby!

It's true what they say, "time flies." I can't believe we're here, that Judah is already four months old. It seems like only yesterday I was hand stitching his hot air balloon mobile that now hangs over his crib, patiently awaiting his arrival, dreaming up all the things I would say to him, the time we would spend snuggling together. It's so bittersweet.

So much changes in just four months! We went from a helpless little baby who wanted to nurse almost non-stop to a BIG boy who loves to kick his feet, hear himself babble and nurses every 3-4 hours. We never thought we would get him to take a pacifier, and now he does. We never thought he would go for more than 2 hours without screaming for food, and he does. We never thought he would sleep for more than 15 minutes in his crib, but he does! So many things have changed! 

And I guess I have changed too. Having Judah has changed me. I've calmed down a bit. I'm not exactly as frantic about having a clean house as before. I don't try to complete a million tasks in one day and all at the same time. He's taught me how much I simply need to sit and rest, to just be still...something God has been trying to get me to do all my life.

I treasure the times he smiles at me like I'm the funniest person in the whole world and also the times he falls asleep in my arms, just completely passed out and limp. It never gets old watching Luke pick him up and kiss him and play with him and rock him to sleep. Their connection is so beautiful and sweet. It just melts my heart.

Having a baby changes your whole world, and yes, not every part of it seems to be as "worth it" as they say. However, every part of it changes you, absolutely challenges you, and makes you so much stronger. I think of all the things I so desperately want for Judah: for him to know Jesus, to be in complete relationship with Him, to wait on his wife and never date until he finds her, to protect his little heart and his mind from this world, to be confident in himself and his true identity in Jesus, to know what true, deep, gut-wrenching love is like. I pray all of these things over my sweet boy.

My heart is grateful for every moment I have had with my sweet Judah-bug. I love him more than life, more than myself, more than I could ever find the words to really express. His presence is such a blessing to me, his smile, his little dimple in his right cheek, his big eyes, his little nose and mouth...his hands and feet. I love him unconditionally and more with every passing day.

Having a baby changes you and keeps changing you. I'm challenged by the changes and welcome them.

Thank you, Jesus, for my sweet baby Judah.

Little Baby Judah

 Baby Judah: Our Little Prince

I'm finally getting around to writing down Judah's birth. Wow! There are so many elements to this story, but I ultimately decided I would just like to keep this simple, so here it goes!

First, I'd like to give you a little bit of the history of my pregnancy so this story might make a little bit more sense to you. I had a slightly difficult pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I was super healthy, able to exercise the entire pregnancy, and never put on bed rest. Still, I had TERRIBLE morning sickness throughout the pregnancy, swelling, insomnia, horrible round ligament pain, hair loss, back pain, headaches, acid reflux, low iron, and low platelets. I feel like this list could go on, and it probably could, but we'll just stop there.

Because of the low iron and low platelets, I had to see a hematologist weekly to have blood drawn. I began receiving IV iron infusions about two months before Judah arrived and was ultimately put on steroids to increase my platelet count, which gave me even worse insomnia and headaches, as well as terrible night sweats and nightmares. Yeah, I was definitely NOT happy about taking the steroids but did so (sparingly) after being scared into taking them (I was told I would definitely hemorrhage during the birth if I did not take them and my platelet levels did not climb). I worried about how they would affect Judah every day, and so I prayed they would not hurt him and that God would just take control of the entire situation. He surely did. He has always planned immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine. He wasn't going to let me hemorrhage. I believed that with my whole heart. 

Having low platelets, running a risk of hemorrhaging, also meant that I did not qualify for an epidural. Normal platelet levels for a pregnant mommy are supposed to be 120 and higher. I was told I could not have an epidural if my levels were under 100. Throughout my pregnancy, my levels continued to fall. They went from 91 to 69, and the day of Judah's birth, they were 57 (even after taking the steroids). 

Since I had researched natural births, talked with other mommies who had successfully birthed their babies naturally, and just felt a strong calling to deliver naturally, I decided I didn't want an epidural anyway. I had an epidural in 2010 with a hip surgery I had and a spinal tap the following year in 2011 with a follow up hip surgery. I had experienced plenty of complications after surgery from the epidural and spinal tap, and I just didn't want to go through those again. I also didn't want to risk labor slowing down or Judah having complications from being heavily medicated during labor. I knew there was a possibility that an epidural could interfere with Judah breast feeding, and I just didn't even want to mess with that.

Monday morning around 5:00 am I began having contractions. I didn't quite want to wake Luke because I just wasn't sure if they were the "real deal" at that point. I started timing them, and woke Luke up just as his alarm was going off for work. It was 6:30 am, and I told Luke I was having strong contractions regularly. We decided to keep timing them as I made my way to the bathroom to take a bath, to see if the warm water would help. I continued to have contractions in the tub, and so we decided to call my midwife. She suggested that we come in. We told her that we would like to labor more at home before coming in, and she was totally fine with that.

As the morning progressed, contractions progressed too. I began to try everything I knew to help ease the pains of labor and to keep myself calm. I tried sitting on an exercise ball, walking around the house, breathing deeply, using heating pads on my low back and tummy, and using an ice pack on my low back and tummy. All of these things seemed to really help, especially the heat and the ice.

My contractions seemed to be picking up fast, so we decided to pack up the car and head in as soon as we could. I knew it wasn't going to be much longer with the way I was feeling. We made it to the hospital around 10:10 and to triage at 10:30. My nurse began to monitor Judah as well as my contractions. Then, I was checked around 11:00 am and told I had only dilated to 2cm. I could NOT believe it. I was so frustrated with that answer, because the pain I was experiencing was so intense. I thought I should have at the very least been a five. I was told my midwife would be by to check me around 12:00 pm. I spent an hour laboring in triage which was a very intense hour for me. During this hour, I started to abandon all my previous thoughts about natural birth. I had heard so many stories about how women just hit this point and say, "Forget it. I can't take this pain anymore. Please give me something." I was hitting that point. The pain was more than I felt I could bear, and I just wanted something to take the edge off. My nurse asked me if I wanted morphine, and I told her yes. She left the room to get it for me, and I felt a strong need to go to the restroom, so I did. I spent a good while in there and labored while sitting on the toilet.

I decided to go back in the room, and when I did, my midwife arrived to check me. At that point, I was so distracted, I had almost forgotten about the pain medication I had asked for. Apparently, my nurse had forgotten, because I never saw her again. I was checked and told that I was a "good 3 cm dilated." Wow. I still couldn't believe it. Everything I felt was just so intense. I didn't know if I was going to make it. I started to get a bit nervous, but my midwife stayed super calm and collected and told me that a room was ready for me. She walked me over to my room, and gave me a birthing ball to sit on. She and my new nurse began to prepare my birthing tub. I spent awhile laboring through some very intense labor pains on the birthing ball while my husband rubbed my lower back. I was feeling most of my contractions there, and as long as there was pressure on my lower back, I could get through them. Eventually, those contractions picked up, and I felt like it took everything in me to just get through the next one.

It was finally time for me to get in the birthing tub, and I was so excited for a change. The water was extremely warm, and it helped to take the edge off of the pain. I was sweating like crazy. My husband continued to rub my low back through contractions as my midwife kept me calm and breathing. Let me just say that I never would have made it through those contractions without my midwife and husband. Seriously, they were absolutely incredible and kept me focused and grounded even when I thought I was going out of my mind.

 Around 2:00 pm my midwife wanted to check me again. I had just gone through an hour of VERY intense labor, and I knew I had dilated further. She checked, and I had dilated to 8 cm. I was thinking, "Thank You, God!! He's almost here!!" She told me to move from my bottom to an all fours position, so I did. She also put a stool in the tub that I was able to bear down on and push on. I began swaying from side to side, just breathing and trying to relax every muscle in my body for the next contraction. It took every piece of me to get through each contraction.

Finally, I felt my water begin to break, and I can remember saying, "I think my water just broke." My midwife confirmed it and decided she wanted me to get through a few more contractions before she checked me again. (Oh, I almost forgot. Judah was monitored intermittently while I was in the tub. It was so nice to be able to get in the water and not be confined to a bed! I was so thankful for that little device!) This time, my midwife told me to flip over on my back again. I did, and she checked me and said I was at 9 cm and that Judah's head was really low. She began pushing my cervix out of the way, because the lips of my cervix just didn't want to move on their own.She told me to get back on all fours when I began to have this overwhelming urge to push. I told her I felt like he was coming out. I specifically remember yelling out, "He's coming out! I'm serious!"  She and my husband laughed at me as I began to push as hard as I could in the tub.

A little side note about pushing: I always thought pushing was this thing you did when they told you it was time. It was just something you had to do to get the baby out. With me, it felt so different when the time came around to push. My body just felt as though I HAD to push. There was no other choice. If I didn't push Judah out, it was going to push Judah out for me.

Let me tell you. I am not the loud, screaming in pain type of person. However, sounds came out of my mouth I didn't know I could make. Yes, I screamed. I screamed A LOT. Yes, it hurt. It hurt, A LOT. A lot more than I ever could have imagined. A lot more than anything else I ever could have experienced. It was INTENSE. Extremely INTENSE.

But I did it.

When my body began to take over and I just felt I had to push, my midwife finally told me to get out of the tub and make my way over to the bed. She knew Judah was coming any time. I got in the bed, and my nurse pulled down these handles for me to bear down on. Oh, I loved those things. My midwife told me that Judah's head was right there, and I was about to have a baby. She prepped my husband and told him how to catch Judah. That was something we both wanted him to experience.

Finally, the time had come. She told me with a few more pushes, Judah would be out. Those pushes were so intense, and then I knew something wasn't quite right. She looked at me and said, "Jennifer, your perineum is tight. I know it's in your birth plan that you do not want one, and we talked about it, but I think you need an Episiotomy." I couldn't believe it. I was terrified of having to have an episiotomy. I asked her how big it would be and she said, "I will be as conservative as possible. You are going to tear anyway, and so I think this is the best and safest bet. If I do this now, Judah will be out with your next push." I looked at Luke, and he looked at me. Together we both said, "Okay. Let's do it." My midwife did the episiotomy and then told me to push. I pushed twice, and Judah was there.

My sweet little Judah was born at 3:24 pm on February 24, 2014, just shy of 5 hours after arriving at the hospital. He was beautiful. He was perfect. I couldn't believe he was mine. I began to cry immediately when Luke laid him on my chest, and I said, "Judah! Hi baby!" But, wow. I had screamed so much, I lost my voice. Actually, it took days for me to get my voice back after screaming so much.

I delivered the placenta just a few minutes after Judah, which was a piece of cake. What was NOT was all the pressing on my uterus after birth. Wow. Not fun at all. Next, my midwife began to stitch up my episiotomy while Luke and I spent time just loving on Judah, trying to get him to breast feed. It was a bit difficult at first, but he learned pretty quickly and had a pretty decent latch. I just loved looking at him. Luke helped the nurse give Judah his first bath while I spent time in bed recovering. It was all so special and happening so fast!

Looking back now, I can't BELIEVE I had a natural birth. I can't believe I made it through. I prayed so hard for it, and God came through. It was all Him. There is no way I could have done ANY of that on my own strength. In my weakness He remained strong. Judah came into this world without any medications pumping through his body, alert and ready to feed, and I was able to take care of him, to move around my room, to get up and shower if I wanted. It was so nice. The episiotomy was NOT part of my plan, but God brought me to it and through it, and I know that even though natural birth was SO hard and painful, I CAN do it. I DID IT!!!

So, my advice to those who are on the fence about natural birth is: Do what you feel in your heart. Do it, because you can. You're strong even at your weakest moments, especially then. Rely on God to carry you through the pain, not yourself. I know it's possible because I did it. I did it WITHOUT hemorrhaging, even when all the odds were not in my favor. If I can do it, ANYONE can. Pray for strength and favor, and you will receive it. I believe that with all my heart.

Our little Judah is growing and thriving and is now almost 6 weeks old! Whoa!!! He continues to challenge us daily and nightly with his crazy schedule at this point. We had NO IDEA parenting would be this hard, but we love him so immeasurably that we can't imagine loving him more. He is such a blessing to us! He's starting to smile, and that is such a JOY after so much crying. We are beyond excited for him to sleep through the night soon and to hear him laugh!

 Thank you all for investing in our lives, for taking the time to read our story, for loving us and Judah so well. We love you too and couldn't have accomplished any of this without you. Your prayers for us meant the WORLD to us, and we know that God listened and answered! THANK YOU!!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow for His sweet goodness and our sweet, sweet baby Judah!!

The Dunnewolds

26 weeks!

Twenty Six Weeks

So, it's been a little while since I have had the chance to blog. I really don't have a free second right now, but I'm making one. I want to be able to look back on this part of my life and just laugh. If I don't write about it, how am I supposed to do that?

We're 26 weeks pregnant with a baby boy! YAY! I'm thrilled. I'll be honest, at first, I had some MAJOR gender disappointment, but now...if this baby came out a girl, I'd be majorly disappointed again. Don't get me wrong. I am THRILLED, beyond THRILLED to be having this baby. I'm ecstatic that we've made it to 26 weeks and that next week we'll be starting the third trimester! Woo-hoo! This means chances are significantly higher that our little boy will make an entrance into this world, happy and healthy and super cuddly!

What have we been doing for 26 weeks? I've been going to a group for Moms on Tuesdays, gaining as much fresh wisdom as I possibly can about parenting, getting our house ready for little boy, getting his room ready, planning for the birth, going to doctor appointments, managing the house, budgeting for a new addition to our family, and so on. It's crazy how much work goes into having a child. I knew it was a lot of work, but seriously, nothing can prepare you for pregnancy and every single little thing that will happen. Nothing can prepare you for everything you need for the baby. It's just a learning process and a process in which I have learned to be SUPER patient. 

Over the past two months or so, we have learned that our little boy has a minor kidney issue. The portion of his right kidney called the pelvis is collecting more fluid than it should. The doctors don't think this is going to be a problem and keep reassuring us that it most likely will disappear on its own, but they are keeping an eye on him to make sure everything goes well and that his condition doesn't progress rapidly into something worse. We've been praying for this to turn around, and we have also started a nightly routine of praying scripture over our son. This has been so comforting to me. After having a miscarriage in May, I have been worried about him making it to term. I guess it's just a rational fear, but I'm asking God to take my fears away and replace them with His Truth.

So, we have about 14 weeks left until our baby's due date! YAY!! Am I ready? Heck no. There are times when I just want to hold him and see his little face, and then there are times when I just wish he would stay in my belly for another year, growing, becoming healthier and stronger, staying safe and warm. I guess the truth is, I'm just nervous about being a Mom. I'm nervous that things are going to go wrong, that I won't know what to do with a little baby boy, that I won't get any sleep, that I'll have a terrible time adjusting to a new life in our house, that Luke (my husband) and I won't ever get to see each other or spend time together alone ever again. Fear, fear, fear. It is my prayer that God proves me wrong in every single one of these situations, and that He supplies our every need and immeasurably more!

Hopefully I will have some pictures to post soon:) I'll try to keep this updated as often as I can! Thanks for reading!

Lots of Love,

Jen

Sorting Through Emotions- One Day At A Time

Jesus, this is so hard. I'm so confused on how to move through this life sometimes. I have no clue what I am doing, so it seems. My relationship with You has been up and down... it's like a roller coaster lately. I hate that feeling. I'm not welcoming it. I'm shooing it out. I just recently had a miscarriage, as You know, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten any of it. Actually, I'm starting to remember bits and pieces of the day the first of it all started, and those bits and pieces keep haunting me. A time that particularly stands out to me is riding down that stretch of Alcoa highway to the hospital and just wailing in pain and crying my eyes out, asking "Why?" and yelling "Jesus, please help me, please, please." It's rough. It's rough repeating this, but I have no idea how else I am going to heal if I don't. 

I realize how much I have already hidden deep with in the darkest portions of my being, and I know how destructive that is...only to me. It hurts You to see me this way. I know. I feel it, but somehow there are times when I just don't feel You near. I'm still asking, "Why?" I don't understand, and all I keep hearing are sounds reverberating over and over saying, "We may never understand, but God has a plan." That's becoming so distant to me and just makes my heart seem to callus. I don't want to feel like that. I want to know You were there with me in that room, when I was calling out to You to save me, to save our child. I wanna know that You did everything You could to fix it, to make it better. I want to know what happened, was it my fault, was there something I could've done differently, better? I just really want to know "why?" 

One thing that is helping me today, just knowing I don't have to do this alone, that others have gone before me, that You did indeed save me the trauma of a more difficult miscarriage (though it was extremely painful, emotionally and physically.) Another thing, a friend told me today that trying to figure it all out would eat me alive. She was right. It has already begun to. Whoa. How do I reverse all of this? Is there a way?

I'm just downcast, and hurt. I feel alone, no matter if You are there, no matter if others have gone before. I'm being honest. Don't You want me to be honest? I hurt. I'm tired. I hate the struggle. I want some change, some favor. 

I do understand that I will love this child forever. She/he is mine and always will be. I'm also thankful that she/he never had to endure the suffering of this world, but that she/he went straight into Your arms. I love You for that. However, I'm still angry with You, still hurt. 

Dad, I'm asking that You please keep after me. Stay on my heels. Walk before me, beside me, behind me. I don't want to run away from You, to fall away from You. I know You are there, even if I don't feel You, even if I don't want to talk right now. Just keep pursuing me. It's inevitable that I will fall into Your arms again. Thank You for waiting on me.

Luke and I planted some flowers in honor of our baby. They really have helped with healing. Thank You for making them grow.

Love,

Jen

Change

From Janurary 2012-March 2013: I met my soon-to-be husband, began planning a mission trip to Africa, started student teaching, began dating my soon-to-be husband, got very sick, lost my student teaching position, got engaged, began planning a wedding, watched my fiance and Africa mission trip teammate graduate, went to Kenya for a month and a half the next day, planned a wedding from Kenya, came home, watched my fiance move and start a new job, got married, moved away, started my last semester of Graduate School, watched my brother and his wife and cousin and her husband and best friend and her husband get married, started my Advocare journey, began worshiping at a new church, graduated from Grad School, began a teaching position at a preschool, and had laparoscopic surgery.

Whoa.

That's a lot. There's more, I'm sure, but that's about all I can squeeze out of my mind at this moment. There's more to come. 

After moving to Maryville in August, we left behind so many "knowns" for so many "unknowns." Scary? Yes. It was. It has been. Every day has been a challenge to get out there and search for the will of God. He definitely hasn't left us. He's been leading and guiding consistently. We've made a ton of friends who already feel like close family. Nice, right? Well, yes, it's been nice. After all, one can never have enough friends. God has been giving us opportunity after opportunity to minister to others, and we're overjoyed. We love seeing Him get the glory as His Spirit lives in and flows out of us. 

I never thought I would see myself asking for MORE of the very thing I am so afraid of, change. But I am. I'm asking that He open the floodgates and let it rain on our town. I am asking that He open the floodgates on our families and friends. I am asking that He stir us to an excitement and JOY that we have not yet experienced, one that gets us up, moving, active, and ALIVE! I am asking for hearts of stone to be changed, forever. I am asking for success and prosperity, immeasurably more! I am asking for surrender, closure, understanding of the things that have past and looking forward to the prize He has promised! I am asking for expanded territory, to be sent on missions; wherever He desires to lead, we'll follow. I am asking for renewal, rest, peace in His comforting arms, lavish love! I am asking all of these things for my family and for all of you. He IS ABLE!

Thank you Jesus for your gift of sacrifice, for the changes you have carried us through and to. Thank you for loving us when we could not love ourselves. Thank you for opportunities to step out in faith, to make your name known. You are beautiful. You are good. Your love never fails. Thank you for providing and giving us new hearts that beat and feel and serve and love in Your name. Thank you for the gifts you continuously pour out on Your people, Your gifts of freedom and love. Thank you for the successes you have brought to us, even the times we fail, we thank you for. We thank you that You are perfect; You remain faithful, steady, constant, sure. Thank You, Jesus, for loving us endlessly. May we learn to love the same.

Jen

Resting in You

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

-Matthew 11:28-30

Rest. 

How? The world is at war. Children die daily of malnutrition. Twenty seven million are enslaved against their will. Children are trafficked and exploited. Women are beaten and abused. The AIDS virus runs rapid in Africa, and children are orphaned and left to die from this horrific disease. Why?

My heart hearts for these. My heart aches for those who don't even get the chance to know You and Your goodness, Jesus. I am blessed beyond measure. You have poured out Your Spirit upon me. I have salvation and everlasting life with You. I am a living, breathing, walking miracle...because You saved me.

What exactly is this rest He is calling us to? You know, I am not exactly sure, but if I had to guess, I would guess it would be something like absorbing all the beauty in and around you. It's like that feeling you get when you've hiked all day and you reach the top of a mountain. The sun is glowing. The air is fresh and clean. The mountains are rising up all around you in their splendor, declaring that "Jesus is Lord!" It's being still and just knowing that HE is God, and HE is good.

I don't have to rest in myself. I don't have to rest assured that I am good and I do everything with perfection and precision. However, I do get to rest, knowing that Jesus has made me perfect. He's made me righteous. He's called me "daughter." He's clothed me in dignity and strength. He has claimed me. I am His, and He is mine. He has given me beauty for ashes. 

I hope wherever today finds you that you are able to rest in His goodness. No matter how busy you are, set aside some time to just revel in the love He has lavished upon you. Revel in the fact that He has called you "child." 

Let your restless spirit rest.